All over the web fabulous Mother’s Day posts are going up & I’m sitting here miserable because I don’t know what to write. Hearts & flowers won’t work as it’s BS coming from me, humor won’t work because I don’t feel much like laughing. Deflecting, posting generic crap honoring fabulous female bloggers that I admire won’t work either. So what will work?
Love, Grief, Loss, Remembrance
My mother died in June 2011, she was 76 years old. Our relationship, since I could walk & talk, had been stormy, conflictual, pain heaped upon pain for us both. I was the child who brought out the very worst in her & she in turn brought out the worst sort of rebellion in me. I was too stubborn to see that the very qualities I hated in my mother were also present in me & sadly I was too young to understand that those traits would one day become the very best parts of me.
Overwhelmed with five kids & never enough money my Mother was frequently sad but there were days she sparkled, she loved Christmas & the holiday was magic, not because of the gifts but because my Mother smiled & laughed. She loved music, some of my most treasured memories are of her singing & dancing when she was cleaning & thought she was alone. The black cloud lifted during those times & I could see her clearly.
Flash forward .. I’m a mother myself & have made countless mistakes, enough to suddenly realize that my mother did the very best she could with the resources she had, I also learned that she shielded us from much & that her own upbringing was painful to say the least.
I sit here today & when I look in the mirror I’m startled at times to see her face looking back at me, I got her sharp humor & her love of word play. Oh and I am addicted to Christmas. As I grow older, like her, I don’t suffer fools well, oh and in case you’re wondering she was a lousy cook too ;) The most precious trait, the valuable gift I took from her was resiliency, the knowledge that no matter what happened I would cope, I’d roll with it & turn even the worst situation into something positive.
So today is Mother’s Day & I sit here consumed with guilt, wishing I had been a better daughter, I grieve for the relationship that could have been & I become once again a five year old, wishing my Mother would hug me & tell me that she loved me. My grief today hangs on me like a heavy woolen coat.. I love you mom & I miss you.
We often debate how much to share on our blogs, how much personal disclosure is “appropriate”. It struck me, what could be more fitting than reaching out to others who might also be grieving? What is more comforting than reaching out & sharing? I hope that all who mourn today can find some way to share your feelings, a way to remember your Mom & mark this day in a way that brings you comfort.
* Photo courtesy of Gregory N. Robinson